A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped
to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll
tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you
didn’t use that kind of language in the Lord’s House.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that
sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering
plate!” The preacher said, “No shit?”

A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to
see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her
charitable impulses.”Madam,” he said in a broken voice,
“I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of
a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the
mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are
starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty
streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who
you are?” They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief
to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery
and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she’s just in
time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips
she’s ever had.After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to
thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers. “Hello, I’m
Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles.”"I’m very
pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a
wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve
ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”Brother
Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.” She turns
to the other brother and says, “Then you must be…?”
‘Yes, I’m afraid I’m the chip monk.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up Jack’s SUV and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a
nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I
have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently
widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house.”"Don’t worry,
Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.
And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first
light.”The lady agreed, and the two men found their
way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come
morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on
their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure
it out, but he finally determined that it was from the
attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed
at on our ski holiday up North?”"Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night,
go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling
her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy.
I’m afraid I did.

Why do you ask?” “She just died and left me everything.”

The Lewis family owned a small farm in Canada, a stone’s
throw from the North Dakota border. Their land had been
the subject of a minor dispute between the United States
and Canada for generations.Mrs. Lewis, who had just
celebrated her eightieth birthday, lived on the farm with
her son and four grandchildren.One day her son came into
her bedroom, holding a letter. “I just got some news,
Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement
with the people in Washington. They’ve decided that our
land is really part of the United States. We have the
right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What
do you think?”"Hmmmm,” his mother said. “Don’t hesitate.
Tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another
one of those Canadian winters.”

Although Ralph was a qualified meteorologist, he ran up
a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program.
He became something of a local joke when a newspaper
started keeping a record of his predictions and showed
that he’d been wrong about 80% of the year. That sort of
notoriety was enough to get him fired. Ralph moved across
country and applied for a weather forecasting job. The job
application form asked for the reason for leaving his previous
position. Ralph wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman on Rodeo
Drive and said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him admiringly and said, “God I wish I
had your willpower.”

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving
milk. The people did some research and found they could
buy a cow up in Westby, Wisconsin, for $600.00. They
bought the cow from Wisconsin, and the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people
were pleased and very happy.They decided to acquire a bull
to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They
would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their
beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the
cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the
bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he
could not succeed in his quest.The people were very upset
and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening: “Whenever the bull
approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from
the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the
front, she backs off. An approach from the side, and she walks
away to the other side.”The Vet thinks about this for a minute
and asks, “Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?”The people were
dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
bought the cow.”You are truly a wise Vet,” they said.
“How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?”The Vet
replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from
Wisconsin.”

A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived
in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He
noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he
questioned Grandpa, “Are these plates clean?”Grandpa
replied, “Those plates are as clean as Palmolive can
get them, so go on and finish your meal.”That afternoon,
while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his
plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes.
So he asked again, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather
huffed, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean
as Palmolive can get them; now stop being so picky!”
Later that afternoon, the young man was on his way
out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was
leaving, Grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t
let him pass. He yelled back, “Grandpa, your dog won’t
let me out!”So Grandpa shouted, “PALMOLIVE, GET OUT
OF THE WAY!”

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him,
so one day he decided to trick them into doing some
work for a change. “I’ve got a really easy job today
for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will
the laziest man please put his hand up.”Nine hands went
up.”Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth
man.”Too much trouble,” came the reply.

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning
and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called
the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play,
the police referred the preacher to the health department.
They said since there was no health threat that he should
call the sanitation department.The sanitation manager said
he could not pick up the mule without authorization from
the mayor.Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to
eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was
generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him
anyway.The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began
to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did
you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord
to direct his response. He was led to say, “Yes, Mayor, it
is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the
next of kin first!”

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o’clock news
one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the
man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from
a 40 story building, will jump. “I’ll take that bet,”
the blonde replied.A few minutes later, the newscaster
breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped
from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for
having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde
and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.
“No, a bet’s a bet,” the blonde replies, “I owe you
$50 dollars.” The redhead, feeling even more guilty,
replies “No, you don’t understand, I saw the 3:00 edition,
so I knew how it was going to turn out.”"That’s okay,”
the blonde replies, “I saw it earlier too, but I didn’t
think he’d do it again.”

Dieter Nuhr, a German comedian, says that the German
word for cat “Katze” actually is a combination of two
other words: Kacke und
Kotze (shit and vomit).

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers,
decides to learn how to play some “real” musical
instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in,
approaches the store clerk, and says “I’ll take that
red trumpet over there and that accordion.” The store
clerk gives him an odd look and replies, “OK, you can
have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator’s got
to stay.

An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his
confession. “Father, during world war 2, a beautiful woman
knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy.
I hid her in my attic.” The priest replied, “That was a
wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to
cnfess.” “It’s worse, Father. She started to repay me wih
sexual favors.” “You were both in great danger, two people
together under those circumstaces act that way. You are
forgiven.” “Thank you Father. That’s a great load off my
mind. But I have one more queston.” “And what is that?”
“Should I tell her the war is over?”

A fifteen year old boy came home with a late model Porsche
and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you
get that car??!!” He calmly told them, “I bought it today”
“With what money?”. demanded his parents. “We know what a
Porsche costs.” “Well”, said the boy, “this one cost me
fifteen dollars” So the parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars??” they
said. “It was the lady up the street”, said the boy. “I don’t
know her name..they just moved in. She saw me ride past on
my bike and asked if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen
dollars.” “Oh mercy,” moaned the mother, “John you better go
up there and see what’s going on.” So the boy’s father walked
up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her
out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself
as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for
fifteen dollars and asked why she did it. “Well”, she said,
“This morning I got phone call from my husband. I thought he
was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii
with his secretary and doesn’t plan on coming back. He asked
me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to
ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control
of the cab, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk,
and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second
everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
“Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the
daylights out of me!” The passenger apologised and said
he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so
much. The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your
fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I’ve
been driving hearses for the last 25 years!”

Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving
at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the
lake and drop in their lines in the water. After fishing for
a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro
hasn’t even gotten a bite.
Jethro asks, “Billy Bob, what’s your secret?”
Billy Bob answers, “Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm.”
Jethro asks, “What did you say?”
Billy Bob answers, “Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm.”
Jethro again asks, “What?”
Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, “You gotta keep the
worms warm!”

A young man surprised his beautiful wife with a new cell
phone in celebration of their first anniversary. She
listened excitedly as he explained to her all the features
of her new phone. The next day, the blonde went shopping.
As she was shopping, her cell phone began to ring. Her
husband was calling her. “Hi hon”, he said. “How do you
like your new phone?” She replied, “I just love it. It’s
so cute and tiny, and your voice is as clear a a bell, but
there’s one thing I don’t understand.” “What’s that?”,
asked the husband. The blonde replied, “How did you know
I was at Wal-Mart?”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources
Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “What
starting salary were you looking for?” The Engineer
replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package.” The interviewer enquires,
“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and
a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?”
The Engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are
you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but
you started it.”

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway,
runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the
top of her lungs,”Honey, pack your bags. I won the
lottery!”The husband says, ‘Oh my God! What should I
pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”  Doesn’t matter,
” she says. “Just get the hell out.

A young couple got married, and when the wife prepared
to bake a ham to celebrate their first month together,
she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the
pan. Her husband asked her why she did that and she
replied, “I don’t know - it’s what my mother always
did. But I can ask her. “She called Mom, who responded,
“I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same.”
They decided to check further, so the young bride then
called Grandma, who explained, “It was the only way I
could get it to fit into my pan.”

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce and asked, “What are the grounds for your
divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice
little home in the middle of the property with a stream
running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean, what is the
foundation of this case?” “Oh, it’s made of concrete,
brick and mortar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued,
“what are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle
living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He asked, “Well, do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she
replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one.” Exasperated, he tried again, “Please, is there
any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and
daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the
music, but the answer to your question is yes.” “Ma’am,
does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded,
“about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do. Finally,
in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want
a divorce?”  “Oh, no, I don’t want a divorce.” she replied.
“I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he
can’t communicate with me.”

A Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer
says, “I clocked  you at 80 mph. sir.” The driver says,
“Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps 
your radar needs calibrating.”  Not looking up from her
knitting the wife says sweetly, “Now don’t be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.” 
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and  growls, “Can’t you keep your mouth
shut for once?” The wife smiles demurely and says, “You
should be thankful your radar  detector went off when it
did.”  As the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar detector  unit, the man glowers at his wife
and says through clenched teeth, “Come  on, woman, can’t
you keep your mouth shut!”  The officer frowns and says,
“And I notice that you’re not wearing your seatbelt, sir.
That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well
you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled
me over so I could get my license out of my back pocket.” 
The wife says,” Now dear you know very well you didn’t have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re
driving.”  nd as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns  to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU
JUST BE QUIET??” The officer looks over at the woman and
asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
“Oh heavens no, officer,” she sweetly replies, “only when
he’s been drinking.”

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they
always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he
met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice
and gave them up; he couldn’t imagine subjecting his
new wife to his beastly emissions.

On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his
wife and told her he’d have to walk home. He walked past
a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed
him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he
figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill
effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans,
and he “put-putted” all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.
She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise
for you for dinner tonight!” She blindfolded him, and led
him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise
not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another
one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold,
the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted
his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but
ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and
fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better,
when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms,
to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows
rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later,
the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly
laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of
it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked
at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the
blindfold and yelled, “Surprise!!!”

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests
seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.